Chairs and Tables

So look. See the blue and brown and orange and red chairs on my porch. Now imagine there to be three black ones and one blue and one red with no designs at all. There. Now you've got a better idea of my porch right now. Oh. Add five matching tables, please.

Yes. Of course I could have taken a picture of it but I think we all need to use our imaginations this morning, don't you?

I'm painting these chairs for Lee only because I love him. I've had it up to here with painting plastic chairs. No matter what Mister Krylon has to say about Fusion, no matter what Mister Rust-Oleum has to say about his plastic primer -- their pants are on fire. Period.

Okay, my friend Pam has had success with painting plastic chairs, but she doesn't stack them, and there's the rub. These poor painted chairs can't take even normal use, let alone abuse. I was at Gulfport's Tuesday Market in the rain. One of the chairs tipped over into a small plot of wet, loose mud, and even that scratched the paint. And they were clear-coated.

Lee, however, promises never to stack them. He says he tips them when not in use. I'm afraid that even tipping will hurt the poor delicate things.

Still, a painted chair is so nice compared to a plain old white one or a plain old green one, fading and mouldering into leprosy.

I've had a traumatic time with these chairs. I use 1-SHOT on my cars (despite the fact that it causes cancer in California), and I thought it would stick to anything. I only thought that because I was a total idiot about paint. Now I merely a semi-total idiot about paint. Anyway, I have eight -- count 'em! -- plastic chairs stacked up in my yard, waiting for further attention. These are the chairs that 1-SHOT didn't work on. I've spent way too much time trying to peel off the paint, but only some of it comes off. Perhaps I'll try power-washing them at the car wash. In the meantime, can you say White Trash?

Oh look! I also added a picture of a table I painted for an acquaintance. I painted four chairs for her, in four colors, and then, weeks later she wanted a table. I like it.

That's Benji in the background, practicing gnawing his foot off in case he ever gets snared by a bear trap. The table in on my studio -- a 20"x40" folding table. Ah! At last! the proper use of those inch marks!

I have to work on Liz's book today, too. It's going to be fine. For those out of the know, let me say that I'm typesetting the book for her, although I believe they're calling it "formatting" in these desktop-publishing days. Damn kids!

Anyway, I just have to process a bunch of photos for the book. We've given ourselves July 14 as the deadline, but we're allowed to cheat. Isn't that Bastille Day? Hmm ... my calendar says it's merely a Bank Holiday in Northern Ireland. Man! I'm glad I checked my calendar! I haven't even sent out the invitations yet!