Wednesday, December 31, 2008
I just ran across this horrifying phrase: The Feast of Christ's Circumcision. I know that Christians believe that Jesus was fully human, and since he was also fully Jewish, of course he'd have been circumcised. When I was growing up, we really didn't pay that much attention to his humanity, since it had already happened and was done with, after all. I remember as a Born Again Christian in the early seventies -- yeah ... I wasn't even cool enough to have been a Jesus Freak. Nooooo. I had to go and be a Born Again Christian without the hyphen -- I remember having the revelation that Jesus had wet dreams. This struck me as not at all disrespectful or glib. If he truly were human, then he'd have had wet dreams. He was a boy, for Christ's sake. Well, not Christ's, not yet. He's just Jesus till he dies and is resurrected; then he gets to be the Christ.
Nonetheless, The Feast of Christ's Circumcision just sounds so ... so ... personal. Yeah. None of my business. And hardly festive. I don't know enough about Judaism to know when that would have been, but I know enough about the life of Christ to know no one would know, you know? Good heavens! Scholars don't even agree on when he was born (let alone if). How could anyone know about the bris?
Okay. I checked in with Judaism 101 (for real) and found out that brit milah takes place on the eighth day of the boy's life. Again, I blame Olga for this. She positively harps on learning things here at my blog.
That phrase and "the ripening of the orange crop in California" both came up as I searched for New Year's Eve traditions. Whatever did we do without the internet?
Well, here's my personal tradition. I go to sleep -- alone -- on New Year's Eve and then am awakened by the fireworks at midnight. I get out of bed, pull on some fabric, and go stand on my porch. Yep. There are the fireworks down by the water, and some lesser, Grade B noises and colors from the neighborhood. Back to bed.
That was the plan for this year, too, but Vicki made the call and told me about the spontaneous fire-pit party. Hence the black-eyed peas. I'm told that's a southern tradition. Well, I am geographically in the South, and have been for twenty-three years, but we all know that St. Petersburg -- let alone Gulfport -- is not really The South. Culturally, we're probably in Eastern Ohio.
Uh oh. My pants are on fire. I just stuck a pan full of chocolate-chip cookie dough into the oven, but instead of the chips, it's the young M&Ms just starting out in the business. So much for, what was it? how little most things matter? Yeah, well, I guess when it comes to sugar and butter, it matters a lot.
10 ... 9 ... 8 ...
Monday, December 29, 2008
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Friday, December 26, 2008
And who knows more about bananas, he asks when he sees the cretinous head of my American Superiority start to rise up, than people who grow the bananas?
So fine, Andres. Come get these bananas that have been languishing on my kitchen table for too long. They had been headed for loaves to be given to the homeless people at Williams Park, but that was before The Cold That Stole Christmas came by. Now it's Boxing Day if you're in Great Britain, and the first day of Kwanzaa if you want, and the bread is still not made. The odds of it getting made are slim. But lo! the freezer accepts skinned bananas. When I'm ready to put the frozen fruit into the bread, it'll basically be a black, banana-flavored slime which, oddly, hurts the bread not at all.
I had thought the Wednesday Midday Market (WMM) was touting itself as an organization that wanted to coexist with the homeless there, but I found out differently this past Wednesday, Christmas Eve Day, when my cold was blowing full. Some charitable-at-Christmas organization was handing out brown bags of lunches. The person at the Market muttered, "If I had my way, I'd chase that church away."
Because it's just keeping the homeless here.
Goodness. Where should they be?
S/he named a couple of shelters where, according to her/him, this batch of homeless folks could be -- should be, in fact.
And later I talked to an artist who's a regular at the Art in the Park -- another Williams Park weekly event. S/he hates the homeless being there. S/he works with troubled teens all week and doesn't want to have to deal with people like them on the weekends, too, when s/he's selling art.
I wondered what those people do that's so offensive, but s/he was hard-pressed to answer.
I understand that. Sometimes I find myself thinking that dirty people are bad. Hah. After just a couple hours at a market, I find I have dirty fingernails and I wonder how that can have happened. Well, really, now: How did that happen?
Now try days and weeks and months without a shower.
I make a point to use the public restrooms at Williams Park at least once per Wednesday. There's a nicer one that's locked until it's unlocked for special people like the vendors and the musicians at the Market. Well, this public restroom is scary. The worst part is that there's a huge generator that's making an amazing amount of noise, so you'd never know if someone else had come into the room or not. That alone would be enough to keep me out ... unless I were homeless, of course, and this was the only place I could pee in private, or the only place with soap.
Yes. I think if I were Lord of All Creation, I'd have a hard time dealing with homeless people, too. I don't know what the solution would be. I don't for one moment believe that homeless people are lazy puke-balls who don't want to work. Nor do I believe that they're all a bunch of drunks who'd be okay if they'd just put the plug in the jug. I used to think that, but my brother, a paranoid-schizophrenic, disabused me of that idea.
He also said that thirst is a bigger issue than hunger when one is homeless. Huh.
A woman I've known casually for years, Elaine, is often homeless. She also happens to be an alcoholic, but she's been sober for years. Her real issue is some kind of mental illness. I don't know her details. I don't know her cycle or patterns. I do know that the last time I talked to her, a halfway house for women was willing to take her in as long as she'd been on her medication for at least two weeks. But she's not willing to take the medication until she has a safe place to stay because being on meds and staying sharp for the streets are mutually exclusive.
And so, should I invite her onto my couch for two weeks? I'm not willing to do that. It's shameful but true.
One time, I lived in one of four apartments in a big house at Tenth and Tenth. I was the only young person there, so you know it was some years ago. One morning, a young man was found sleeping on the downstairs porch. The other three tenants -- geezers about my current age -- thought he must be a friend of mine. He was a stranger. I told him he could have gone to The Mission, but he said he didn't like hanging with Those People.
And medication? In the first place, the last I read, there's really nothing for treating schizophrenia. The best one can hope for is that it's a mild case. (Hah.) Beer and pot occasionally relieve the symptoms, I'm told. Fine. Have at it.
I don't know a single person who wants to take medicine. Everyone I know who's on mental-health meds -- and I know too many and have been one myself -- is always thinking of ways to get off the medicine. I don't even like taking Zicam as often as instructed.
At the risk of sounding like Freud, I do ask: What do The Homeless want? They probably want what the rest of us want: A safe, comfortable place to be. I think if the places the WMM person suggested were better for the homeless, they'd be there. But yes, they'd probably need a place that was fresh out of rules, too. Many homeless people simply won't -- or cannot -- abide by rules, at least not long enough to get on well in society, and that's a mental health issue, too.
I don't know. Maybe there are gang turfs. The bipolars have Williams Park and southbound, the schizophrenics have North County, and the multiple personality disorders have east and west Pinellas.
I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
If you go to http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com/ you can click on a button there that will move the sponsors to provide food for Pets without Pamperers. At the top of the page, you'll see options for more charitable giving -- for the rain forest and literacy, for instance. Click and give. Yay! Put it in your Favorites and do it every day. I wonder if they can actually keep track of where the clicks are coming from. Could I click ten times in a row? I've never tried it because, really, if it does work, I'd feel guilty. As you know if you read my October blog, I skip The Breast Cancer Site. I click on the others, though.
I've had very few hard-copy Christmas cards this year. That's an easy way to cut down on expenses, isn't it? I still got that Family Newsletter from my uncle's wife (yet not, somehow [in my stubborn brain], my aunt). She writes mostly about her family, which is fine if he's not participating, but she signs the card with their last name. That strikes me as ... what? cold? stupid? In the first place, how many women named Lura do you think I know? In the second place, maybe she should trust that I'd check the return-address sticker if I couldn't figure out who these people are.
On the other hand, the Family Newsletter did not come from Debbie, for the first time in more than a decade, so perhaps this year, I'll whip one out and just send it to her.
I used to think eCards were nonsense, but now I don't. I can spend more time agonizing over the choice than I ever did in a Real Store. 'Cause it's the time that counts, right? Time and thought?
I never think I should send cards to people I see often. I guess if they hear me say Merry Christmas! then they don't need a card. When I make cards, though, I send them to everyone. I think the last card I made was in 2003. Wow. I was home from work because of surgery and after about a month of just sitting and staring, I made some cards. Dang. Time flies. Now I'm home from work because of a different kind of surgery (heh heh) but I don't have the time. Or maybe it's the inclination that's missing.
I've got writers' block on painting those chairs and that table. I cannot think how to start on them. Got any tips?
Monday, December 22, 2008
The photo above shows my spot from yesterday. At the lower right, there's some small mess. That's me trying to smudge out the shadow of myself holding out the camera, while still preserving the image of the two sea grape leaves. Someone should do us all a favor and hack into my computer and remove Photoshop.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Today's goals were simple enough: Bake some gingerbread camels and some sugar cookies in Christmas shapes; if there's time, bake some pumpkin and/or banana bread. The camels are in honor of Mike's family. The kids were all born and raised in camel country. I had to special-order the camel cookie-cutter years ago. I had the vague memory that I'd tried it before and that it was too hard. Indeed, the cutter is too shallow, with too many details. There are tassels on the camel's blanket, for pete's sake.
Still, it's Christmastime, and that means going the extra millimeter for the sake of warming someone else's cockles.
I listened to Car Talk on NPR when I started. I just love it that my dad used to listen to the Tappet Brothers, although I didn't know it until he was dead and my youngest brother told me about it. In any case, the gingerbread-boy-not-girl recipe listed these two ingredients thusly:
2/3 c. cold water
1/3 c. shortening
I had just dumped the second third-cup of shortening in when I realized that it was supposed to be only one. Small matter. I just fished out the second blob of shortening. It was only later, when I was left with a huge bowl of large crumbs instead of dough, that I figured I had put in only a third-cup of water; that is, I used only half the water called for.
That's the second semi-colon I've used and that's about two too many; my apologies.
So while the first sheet of cookies was baking, I tried adding a third of a cup of water to the remaining crumbs. It actually helped a little. Still, I'm only going to bring the camels to Mike's parents' house. His family is gracious. Perhaps they'll treat the cookies as if they're miniature sculptures. Mike himself will be the recipient of the rest of the batch, which is nothing to write home about, yet apparently something to write a blog about.
The first camel attempts were failures, so I turned to other animals. I have a sheep cookie-cutter and hey! shepherds were guarding their sheep by night! I decided to simply add all the critter-cutters I have, so, as you see, I made
- bears (teddy)
I'm sure the Baby Jesus would have loved them equally.
What I'm listening to right now, though, is the ice cream truck! It's Do Your Ears Hang Low over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. Ho ho ho.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
I passed Diane and her friend -- let's call her Ann -- who were riding bicycles with baskets, looking very green and socially and environmentally conscious, which is how I'd like to look but I never really did learn to ride a bicycle (but that's another blog) and I probably can't look it if I'm not it. Anyway, we waved. By the time I parked in front of the Beach Bazaar, they were almost there, too. I heard Ann, smiling, say to a pedestrian -- let's call her Maggie -- "On your left!" Maggie turned around, saw the bikes, and moved over a bit.
We three friends yammered in front of the Bazaar and then entered because they had a package, too. There was no post office line. Yesterday afternoon, the line had extended from the back all the way up to the half-a-store mark. I said as much and added, as we approached the rear, "But maybe the line is on the other side today." And, indeed, it was.
There were two people in line, besides the patron being waited on. Maggie was at the end of the line. The small queue had closed off any space for walking through, but Maggie moved herself out of our way so we could double the line by getting in it. She leaned in and said quietly to me, the first in our little parade, "'Excuse me' is a very powerful phrase."
"Huh? Oh. I assumed people would know we were getting in line and would let us do it, just like you did."
That was that. She turned away. I mouthed, "Merry f*ck*ng Christmas" to my friends, which made them laugh, which was what I wanted, but then I instantly felt terrible because I ... let's see ... I guess I wanted to make fun of Maggie but without Maggie knowing it. I didn't want her to hear us sniggering about her. I wanted to insult her -- retaliate -- without her knowing it. I wanted crime without punishment.
Well, the line moved on, and while the clerk was tallying up my postage, Ann said that maybe the remark had been meant for the cyclists, and Maggie had mistaken me for a cyclist. (Hah!) Well, whatever ... I feel bad about it.
Is there another story here? Did Diane, Ann, and Barbara come barreling into the store like they owned the joint, talking too loudly, arms loaded with presents, chuckling and gabbing, while Maggie was there for a simple stamp, to send one card to the last friend she has on earth? Did her cat just die? Does her husband beat her? Was her terminal disease just announced?
Maybe she needs to correct everyone. I'm trying to stop that, with the help of Byron Katie's Loving What Is. I'm the one furiously flashing my headlights at the poor fools who don't have their headlights on when it's raining or when dusk has arrived. I. Want. Them. To. Behave.
It's for their own good.
Maybe that's all Maggie wanted. She wanted us to behave the way she behaves. She was merely instructing.
But let's move on to cussing in type, shall we? I had Fun With Asterisks in The F Word up there. At first, I just traded out the g, which merely made it look like sloppy verbalizing. (You'll have to visualize it. I don't want to mark this as a mature blog, 'cause it sure ain't.) Then I tried *ucking, but that was way too close to what I really wanted to say. So I ended up asterisking just the vowels, and that's what you read up there. Let's try just the consonants: *u**i**. Whoa! There's a challenge!
See how important vowels are? They're in a huge minority, unless that's oxymoronically impossible. The ratio is five or six to twenty-six. Well, that's about twenty percent.
Maybe that's the same ratio as the impact of negative experiences compared to the impact of positive ones. That tiny run-in with Maggie has had far more of an influence on my morning than all the positive things that have also happened:
- a nice blog comment and subsequent email with my beloved Beth
- a phone call with Leone, firming up our Christmas plans, among other things
- the wrapping and packing of gifts
- interactions with The Boys and Mittens ... okay, and Mike
- a great quote I read by Helen Keller -- Life is full of suffering. It is also full of overcoming it.
- and surely more things ... the leftover pumpkin bread, the still-fragrant balsam branchettes, the sunshine ...
I hope this doesn't mean I have to return to Al-Anon.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Shonda (http://www.shondasbookshelf.com/) -- one of those Hoosiers who thinks forty degrees is just fine -- asked me if I cook. Well now ... let's take a look inside my refrigerator and see what you think ...
Everything on the bottom shelf, which you can barely see, is past its Sell By date. In fact, some cottage cheese or something expired on my birthday, which, as I know you know, is September 27. Let's just stick to the top two shelves. The milk expired, but no one really wanted it anyhow. Jill and Marty use raw milk for their coffee, but when they were here painting their car, they were forced to go across the street to Walgreens and buy that little bottle of Velda brand milk. While it expired on November 22 -- not even a month ago! -- I'm sure it's still drinkable. I myself use Silk brand plain soy creamer, as you know if you pay attention here in Blogtown. I use enough of it that it's never out of date, plus the expiration is always months and months into the future, which is scary if you think about it, so please don't. I assume that flour doesn't expire, especially if it's kept in the refrigerator. I still have half a notion to do some holiday baking.
On the second shelf, the eggs expired on the tenth, so that's not too bad. I use them till they're gone. The feta's good till next year sometime, unless the Sell By and EAT By dates are radically different. The stuff with the pink lid is cat food, and I'm sure it's still good.
Okay. That's the inventory. No one will be surprised when I answer Shonda by saying no. No. I don't cook.
Actually, I make THE best macaronic salad in the known universe, and my chili's some of the best, too. But that's only two things, and there are over three hundred days in a year, they say. I really should work on two more dishes, one for autumn and one for spring. I think I'd feel better about myself if I could at least claim to cook on a quarterly basis.
I used to bake a lot. It picked up drastically when we put Mom in The Home down here. Even with a ton of overtime, I'd bake a couple times a week, always in double batches, sometimes even triple. I'd bring it all to work. Jody would ask me to marry her every time I brought in baked goods. After a while, though, I apparently quit baking because someone asked why I didn't bake any more. I had no answer, but Jeanne Milot did. "You quit baking when your mother died," she said. Wow.
That's what's so cool about friends. They're witnesses.But baking isn't cooking, so no. I don't cook.
In the same batch of email came a plea from a fellow car artist, Deanna Morey. She painted Thing Three, shown here. She's one of a dozen finalists in KFC's nationwide Holiday Traditions contest. Go to this site and vote for her. She is listed as Deanna M. from Oviedo, FL. What the heck. It would be cool if she won and you could say you know somebody who knows the winner, right? PLUS, I actually saw the exit for the KFC Museum this summer. There's a full circle in there somewhere. http://www.kfc.com/traditions/vote.asp
And you see how KFC ties in with food, right? Okay. Good.
What if my next blog is about housework?!
Sunday, December 14, 2008
At the checkout line, I had to take notes, so I wrote on the peanut butter label with the aforementioned Swiss Army Pen. Publix has festive gift boxes hanging above the checkout lanes with one word on each box:
It makes me nuts, of course, since we have three verbs and one noun. It's true that hope could be a noun, too, but that still leaves us with two verbs and two nouns. Either way, I don't like the inconsistency. If we went for the all-noun line-up, it would still be awkward:
- [have] encouragement
- [have] sharing
- [have] hope
- [have] warmth
The gerund sharing throws it off, but it's still better than the all-verb format:
- [to] encourage
- [to] share
- [to] hope
- [to] heat
Or should it be [to] heat up? [to] warm up? Plus, they mean the warm-the-cockles-of-your-heart type of heat, anyhow, not the toss-it-in-the-microwave kind. Maybe [to] comfort. So the copywriter just threw in the towel with the poinsettias printed on it and said no one would notice anyhow, and no one at Publix corporate headquarters did ...
And speaking of consistency, Lee and I went to The Water Witch for breakfast this morning. He, as always, had #10. I, always, had #7.
I wanted to leave the breakfast description right there, and let you do the research, but The Water Witch online menu isn't the same as the on-table menu, so I'll describe them after all.
Both are the organic German Pfannkuchen. I don't know whether to add an S to Pfannkuchen, nor am I certain about that upper-case P. I think the Germans tend towards capitalization, though, so I'll stick with that. Near as I can tell, the poor things are just crepes anyhow.
Lee had salmon and horseradish cream cheese in his. Mine had apples, raisins, cinnamon, and ricotta. Oh my! And then the cook made the horrible mistake of tossing in whole walnut halves (if that's not an oxymoron), so the waitress had to come out and see if that's acceptable. Oh yeah!
It was so good. There's nothing like warm cinnamon this time of year, especially when it's so cold and gloomy outside, something we folks in The Sunshine State aren't used to, no matter what you in Indiana (and you know who you are) have to say about it.
Thank goddess we don't have to choose our fragrances. As we left The Water Witch, we smelled bacon, which is pretty unbeatable. But back to the cinnamon -- what's above that? On the other hand, Andrea -- bless her twenty times over! -- gave me a couple mini-boughs of balsam which her mom had sent from the Adirondacks, mostly in the form of decorated wreaths. Oh man! I'm afraid I'm going to snort a pine needle right into my lungs, but that doesn't stop me from picking one up from my desk here and just breathing in the smell, deep deep deep. The other little branch is on my nightstand.
So yes: no competition for smells. Yay!
Those Pfannkuchen are so big that I brought half of mine home. I also have half the prime rib from last night's dinner at The Pasadena Steak House with The Mahons. Later today, when I've finished huddling under the covers reading the last of Wally Lamb's The Hour I First Believed, I hope to comfort the Pfannkuchen and the prime rib, but I won't share them; I encourage you to get your own.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Besides all my stuff, which will be outside in the courtyard with my car and the food vendors, the whole first floor of the Cuban Club is dedicated to used books, CDs, records, DVDs, and tapes. I've donated heavily to that and I'm grateful. This is paradise to browsers -- boxes and boxes and boxes of reading and listening material!
Myself? I can't stand it. It's like going to Big Lots. Sure. The prices are good, but you can't count on an item being there week after week. You have to be a hard-core browser in order to enjoy it.
I'll browse in a bookstore any ol' day, but I am browsing according to the alphabet and the genre. At WMNF, I think they split things up into a couple genres, but that's as categorized as it gets. Still, I remember a woman coming by my booth last year, hauling a box full of books. She was going back for more and asked if she could leave Box #1 with me. She was psyched. I think she paid less than five bucks for that whole box.
Today I'm going to try one more thing to perfect my tee-shirt technique. It involves being outdoors, though, with water, in this cold, cold weather. And how 'bout this wind? With the wind chill, it's probably forty out there, which is about the temperature of a refrigerator, isn't it? Okay. Because of Olga (drat!), I had to look it up. The preferred temperature of an icebox is between thirty-five and thirty-eight degrees (my queendom for a degree symbol!). It seems to me if we're using the word "ideal," there should just be one temperature, not a variety. I mean, can there be degrees of ideal, of perfection? No. Of course not. This cannot be "more" perfect than that. Perfect is perfect. The end.
Okay, then. In the interest of, um, perfection, let's say that the ideal refrigerator temperature is thirty-six-point-five degrees. And let's also say that that's the wind chill this morning. So let's say Brrrrrr!
Ah, perfection ... I've published this posting TWICE already, and then found mistakes. If you've subscribed (as opposed to waiting patiently for me to email you the link each time), I guess that means you'll get three copies of essentially the same blog. Sorry.
Look at all my Followers! Another one jumped on in the middle of the night. It's very exciting! I wonder if I should start wearing a robe ...
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
I've always enjoyed writing the letters the magazine suggests. These days, it's more like an email, but I'll do that, too. I'm a Click Activist, a clicktivist.
Tomorrow, December 10, is the sixtieth anniversary of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights (www.un.org/Overview/rights.html), signed and agreed to by the members of the United Nations in 1948. The United States was a member then. You know that two-section puzzle in the paper? There are two drawings which look alike at first glance, but then you'll notice that the tilt of the man's hat is different, or the tree has a different configuration of leaves. Well, you can play a similar game by going to the UDHR site provided herein and seeing if you can spot the differences between what we, the United States of America, agreed to, and what we actually do.
And who is this "we," Paleface?
I got a postcard from President-elect Barack Obama and his wife Michelle yesterday. You know I threw out my television in ought-four, so I don't know where the postcard picture was taken. Barack and Michelle are grinning, his right hand high in a wave, his left around her waist. She's holding hands with McCain's wife whose name might be Cindy. She's smiling, too. Her hand is in the under position. I notice these things, having stood in circles for a couple decades, holding hands, not-saying The Lord's Prayer (or The Our Father if you're Catholic or the Who Cares if you're Jewish; I have no idea what a Muslim might think or why s/he'd be at an AA meeting anyhow, and I'll completely ignore Hindus because I know even less about them than about the others; drat! Buddhists, too!). She's holding hands -- or at least fingers, also in the under position -- with her husband, who's belatedly trying to button his suit one-handed, left-handed.
I don't know why the four of them are together. Somebody else knows that.
The postcard is addressed to me with the salutation Dear Obama Supporter. It's signed by the First Couple-elect. The type is pretty small because they have a lot to say and, of course, they're using full sentences, even compound sentences. Basically, they're saying thanks.
I choked up at that. When I was younger, I could assign such a sentimental reaction to PMS, no matter where I was in my cycle. When I was much older, but still younger, I could chalk it up to menopause. I'm pretty sure I'm past all that, too, so shall I blame it on the moon? lack of breakfast? fear of financial insecurity?
Nope. I'm going to blame it on genuine, legitimate emotion. I've been parched for so long, I've forgotten how to swallow. Now I'm offered a glass of water. I'm grateful. Yessir. Oh yeah.
Here's a line from Wally Lamb's The Hour I First Believed, which I'm reading now: Ask any of us cynical bastards to lift up our shirt, and we'll show you where we got shot in the heart. That choked me up, too.
I read Stephen King's Just After Sunset, a collection of recent short stories, but I forgot to tell you about it. There seemed to be more violence than usual, but also less supernatural stuff. More than one story made me wish he'd turn it into a full, King-sized novel. The page headings were the same throughout the book, though: author name on the verso, book name on the recto (Liz and I know what those words mean and we are so pleased with ourselves and each other!). That's not good for a collection. I saw the title of the story once, on that first page, and that's it. I can't even name one story by title. If I ever talk with another King fan about the book, I won't be able to say, "Oh, and how about The Long Walk?" No. I'll have to say, "Oh, you know the one with the Porta-Potty and that weird old man who killed the dog ..."
I'm waiting for the Swiss Army Knife people to contact me. Mine, a gift from Mike many years ago, has a pen in it -- because the pen is mightier than the toothpick. I had it for about a year before I got used to the idea of always having a pen with me. It's great. I love it. Now I want to find another one but I can't, so I emailed the manufacturer on its own email form. A message popped up saying they'd get right on it: "We are attempt to answer." I watched Borat again last night, so it made perfect sense to me.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Yes. Mmmm ... that's my idea of an ideal Saturday night, at least if I've spent the day at a show, sitting near my canopy, riding that razor's edge between being alert to a customer and being overbearing to a customer. When she says, "How long did it take you to paint that car?" is she really interested or has she simply been trained to Make Nice? They say to answer your young child's sex questions by giving the briefest truth you can, and not elaborating. Perhaps I'll apply that rule to the questions I get at shows.
Don't ask me why I'm calling it a "show." It's a sale. Oh. But I suppose someone has to buy something in order for it to qualify as a "sale." I did get a hot dog combo for two bucks, though, so I can't complain. (Well, of course I can. I just choose not to. This time ... this one time.)
I was the last one to leave, but I also left early. I got to The Longhouse with half an hour to spare. They were having their open house and holiday sale. I'm sorry I missed so much of it. It feels like family over there. I ate cookies and took Isabelle, a deaf French bulldog, for a walk. She's about the size of the cat, but she's got the strength of a four-by-four -- a black one.
I bought a Christmas card from Mo. I'm not sure what I think of it, but I bought two of them and know where at least one is going. It's a picture of Mary giving birth to Baby Jesus. There's no actual placenta, but Mary's legs have assumed the position. And that's not a halo around His head -- that's labia.
I want to tell you Mo's whole name and tell you how to reach her, but it turns out that I only have her email address, which I would give to some of you (and you know who you are), but not to others of you (but you don't know who you are; you never do, do you?).
Speaking of Christmas, here's Amazon celebrating The 12 Days of Holiday. What? What did you just say? Doesn't that just make you want to slap someone?
I've got my December calendar on the wall, of course, but I can't read the teeny print in the boxes from my chair. December 26 through 31 have FULL boxes, lots of text. I get up and peer. It's describing the six, I guess, days of Kwanzaa. I suppose it could continue in my next calendar. I googled the holiday because I don't want to be completely ignorant, but my feet are not in the mood for actual education here.
What caught my attention, though, is that Dr. Maulana Karenga, an American, is the creator of Kwanzaa. Imagine that. Imagine creating a holiday. Granted, I don't know anyone who celebrates Kwanzaa, but the website says "millions" do, both here in the States and in Africa. Still, I really like the idea of creating a holiday. I wonder if we could make our birthdays holidays. Kwanzaa has seven principles (which makes me suspect that it does, in fact, have seven days) and probably seven symbols too ... candles, food, a flag ...
So on my birthday, I could create a holiday that has symbols, too, and special colors. Maybe a bird. Since I'm so verbose, I think a set of lips should be one of my symbols. Maybe my friends would help celebrate by showing up with those big red wax lips they used to sell at Halloween. I'm an afrophile, so perhaps they'd also have to dress in African clothing. The point is, they'd have to do what I say. I'd have to make up a name for my holiday. Barbalozza, perhaps, transposing the O and A in my last name. And if I say the official Barbalozza bird is a woodpecker, then it would be so. Maybe you'd show up at the celebration with woodpecker feathers in your hair. Or I'd be serving woodpecker soup.
Yeah. I'm liking this!
I had a similar thought last Thursday at my writers' club. I've belonged for a year and just found out that we have a president. Well, I think that whoever is voted in as "president" should get to choose his or her title. If I'm made the leader of the club, then I'd want to be the czarina. Maybe you'd want to be the emperor or majority leader. It would be up to you. I think the only restriction should be that you have to hold the title for a year. You can't be changing it every month.
Do you think my blood sugar is too low?
Friday, December 5, 2008
I don't really want to talk about dog urine, but it's an issue that's in my face, as it were. Poor Sunny, Mike's sixteen-and-three-quarters-year-old cocker spaniel, has reached that stage in her long happy life that it's too difficult to climb the stairs to the bathroom, push open the heavy door, drop her waist-high old-lady drawers, squat shakily onto the seat, and pee. Therefore, the nearest piece of carpet will do just fine, thanks.
I wouldn't mind if it weren't for the smell, which I cannot describe and wouldn't anyhow, although if I had the ability to make you smell it through words alone, I wouldn't be going to the Wednesday Midday Market, would I? No. I'd be sitting at my mink-trimmed computer, drinking that fabulous peppermint hot chocolate from Bob Evans, paying someone else to exercise for me. As it is, the stench kept me awake last night.
To be fair, let's say that it was the absence of Mittens that started it. I woke every couple of hours to pull on a piece of clothing (once it was just a glove) and stumble in the cold, drear night to the screen door, open it -- because you know how sound gets blocked when it has to squeeze through those tiny squares -- and call out, "Mittens! Come on! Come on!"
I sing "Come on!" in a particular way. I wouldn't, for instance, call you in that specific tone. No. It's for Mittens as intentionally and solely as the two-note whistle my mother would use to call my girlhood cat, Tiger.
You might conclude that exotic pet names sort of run in the family, but let me say this, firmly: I did not name Mittens. She came to me that way. If she spoke English, she'd be embarrassed enough to lose all her bunny-soft hair.
I called for Mittens every two hours. I have no doubt that there are neighbors who can attest to that.
Why should Mittens be in her bedroom at night? True, we decorated it just for her -- a pink canopy over the bed, a princess phone (I am not getting her a cell phone!), her own small HDTV, innumerable pastel pillows and cat toys scattered about -- but that's no reason to insist that she be there each night.
I worry about her getting kidnapped. Er ... catnipped. Er ... catnapped. I think someone will steal her and sell her to laboratories for painful experiments, making her, for instance, wear a lipstick that's not her shade. I don't know. I just want to know where she is and that she's safe and happy.
I swear I heard her meow while I slept, so I got up for the third time, groped for some fabric, wended my way through my natural clutter to the door. No Mittens.
The trouble is, although I was worried and half-asleep, I could smell Poor Sunny's liquid mess and that would pop my eyes open. It's simply a smell I cannot bear. Remember my Thanksgiving drivelings? Of course you do. I was grateful for my sense of smell, for the great pleasure it brings me. Lilies! Green peppers! Brut with Camel straights and exhaust fumes (John Beaumont c. 1966)! Fresh air! But last night's smell? Not at all.
I paid ten dollars online to buy the secret formula for getting rid of the smell. But it takes two days. There was nothing more to be done. I wrote Leone a whiny email. That helped. It made me remember all the murder mysteries I've ever read, where the homicide detectives at the crime scene or the morgue apply Vicks Vapo-Rub to their upper lips, stiff or slack. I signed off from Leone and went to my medicine cabinet, which is a basket in the linen closet. I pawed through throat lozenges and aspirin and found a small, squat jar. I opened it and applied the contents, wondering if Vicks actually has an expiration date, because I sure didn't smell that famous menthol.
Yeah. Well. That's because I'd put Vaseline under my nose.
You can look now.
So yes, the Wednesday Midday Market. I made four bucks after the booth fee and parking fee. But no matter! I'm going to that no-name show tomorrow, Saturday, December 6, at that church at 5441 Ninth Avenue North. That's from nine to four.
After that, I hope to go to Sacred Lands again at six, not for business but for pleasure. First Erik will tell an old tale about a rescue. Then there's dinner from six-thirty to seven-thirty. Then Celtic music from then on, by Empty Hats. It's twelve bucks at the door, which is really a fence, ten bucks in advance. I assume there will be a bon fire. I want to go, even though being at craft shows usually makes me want to spend the evening with Epsom salts and ibuprofen.
Tonight, Liz Armstrong -- the Little Bastard's mom -- will be signing books at Gulfport's Art Walk, at Small Adventures.
I wonder if I could somehow work a trade for tonight: Mittens is persistent and clinging, and the smell disappears?
You can look now.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Kids are going to grow up thinking Santa shares a bloodline with vampires and werewolves and other creepy critters that only come out at night. Maybe a religious nut could found an entire sect on this whole thing, with Santa resurrecting each night during the Christmas season, after having been the Baby Jesus In A Manger during the day but cleverly disguised as a puddle of Italian colors in order to save Him from the Pharisees.
Cruise through your neighborhood in the daytime and see all the colorful but seemingly dead holiday folk spread out on the ground, as if a South American military coup had happened on your own street, innocent Sugar Plums and Reindeer gunned down like anarchists. Or as if a horrible plague came through like a tornado, withering the flesh of Elves and Snowmen but leaving the color untouched.
But hope -- and Santa -- spring.
I'm always puzzled by those heart-wrenching stories about sweet, probably blond, certainly blue-eyed children -- usually girls -- finding out that there is no Santa. I'm puzzled -- and a bit miffed, too, really -- because I don't have such a story. Well, nor am I blond. Or blue-eyed. Or sweet, come to think of it. Perhaps that explains it.
In any case, I was so untraumatized by learning that there is no Santa that I don't even remember the realization. I think that's because I had (and still have) an older (by two years) brother and (by one year) sister. I assume I learned there is no Santa by osmosis, as if I were celery and the not-Santa were blue ink. Well, red and green ink, what the heck.
I would think it's even harder in a city -- instead of my girlhood boonies -- to convince a child that there is a Santa, since each store has one. How do parents explain that to kids? There was an excellent Santa at Sacred Lands this Saturday, by the way. In fact, I'm pretty sure he was the real one.
I don't even know why I'm going on about this. I really don't care. I should think that kids in any generation are pretty good at distinguishing between Make-Believe and Real. If you were traumatized by finding out that Santa is only as real as The Easter Bunny, let us know. Tell us the story. We'll feel sorry for you. Really. Even if you're a brunette.